


i'm down on all my luck (so just let me go down for fun)

by unlikelylively (constantyeet)



Category: Original Work
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, F/F, F/M, Lowercase, Pining, Smoking, Unresolved, highschool shit, me trying too hard to be indie lol, when ur gay in high school and ur pining?? yeah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-22 09:54:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30036894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constantyeet/pseuds/unlikelylively
Summary: cherry’s reply gets stuck in her throat, thick with sugarcoated half truths. she trips on her words and down the steps of the school walkway.(lowercase intended)





	i'm down on all my luck (so just let me go down for fun)

if you were to ask her, she’d say it maybe started when the new girl– fawn– started to talk to her, rambling about things unrelatable but still alluring and prompting her to listen-laugh-smile. maybe it started when their arms bumped together when they walked side-by-side on the sunset-hot concrete of the school field. or hell, maybe it started the moment their hands brushed as she passed her her schedule on the first day of school, eyes locking, soft polite smiles exchanged, and ‘ah shit, this is gonna fuck me over one way or another’.

given, it took her a few weeks, even months to process the feelings. but, honestly? now she’s kind of glad. glad she never confided to anyone about this, and especially not to jen nor frank, even though the former knows about her queerness. glad she put other people’s feelings over hers (she looks at her, betrayed, “like you always fucking do, cher. _god_ , you’re such a fucking _idiot–_ ”).

but, fuck– cherry just has to worst luck, does she?

“i’m going to join the school council,” frank had said a few weeks prior, “come with? it’ll be good for you. i know you like to keep yourself busy,” she was right, as she always is. cherry stared at her through the stained bathroom mirror. frank doesn’t meet her eyes, applying bubblegum lip gloss. her long, polished, blue nails shine.

“sure.” cherry replied, breath sickly sweet with nicotine. frank smacks her lips and it sparkles under the fluorescent lights. cherry licks her own, tasting the reminiscent mix of her chapstick and some random guyfriend’s cigarette filter. they exit the bathroom with hands intertwined.

‘it’ll get my mind off of her’ goes unspoken (it’s not like frank knows anyway).

except that it does. it puts her in the front part of her brain– stabbing through her eyes like a damn fucking lobotomy, rendering her numb from electroshocks and vanilla perfume. infrared and hazel wood behind her eyes, vision stained in carotenoid. fawn joined as well. of course she did. 

cherry only watches in the weeks of the training program before she realises what the smiles, the quiet laughs, and the constant buzzing of notifications on her phone that’s super glued to her hands, meant.

cherry never asked. never wondered. she was too busy staring at jersey, wondering (but we’ll get to him later).

“i wonder what jen’s up to,” fawn suddenly says. cherry shrugs, not quite interested, only half listening as she thinks about design softwares and glitter times. “she’s not answering my texts. maybe i should facetime her?” the latter furrowed her brows– now, that caught her interest. she didn’t know they were close. she zeroes her gaze onto the girl beside her, miles away yet in arms-reach. “do you know if she’s into anyone right now?”

cherry’s reply gets stuck in her throat, thick with sugarcoated half truths. she trips on her words and down the steps of the school walkway.

she doesn’t fall. 

watching the two girls basically exchange flirtations and obvious pining, she sighs to herself. she wants to gauge her fucking eyes out and curse her cravings, maybe lock herself in her room for ten days. quiet red tomb of her. huh. 

(“when are you going to tell her how you feel?” jen brings the shared lit cigarette to cherry’s mouth, effectively silencing her. 

“cher, she’s fucking straight,” jen doesn’t pull her fingers away. 

cherry pulls back, the flimsy closed toilet seat creaking under her weight. she bites her tongue. “you’re insane,” she settles, cigarette still between her teeth. 

“and you’re delusional.”

two girls exit the restroom, one drowning and the other holding her head underwater with a hand intertwined with another’s.)

cherry exits the empty classroom, leaving fawn and jen to not-so-vaguely eyefuck each other. her mind wanders to jersey and she doesn’t know why. 

november rolls around and they all make it into the student council. jen smiles from the sideline and cherry is pressed between frank and fawn. jersey takes their photos and passes down a battered flashdisk filled with necessary old files and documents to her with an oversaturated smile. she ignores the playful digs from both their friends and fake disgust from his little sister, but when she closes her eyes the chromaticity of indigo hues leaves her awake at ass o’clock in blind mornings.

“i can’t fucking fall in love with my best friend’s brother, frank. are you insane?” she regrets confiding in her bubblegum-sparkle-lipped friend already. frank continues to yap about how it’s a cute love story and that she’s glad that her guyfriend and girl friend are head over heels for each other which is _not true_ because cherry never falls in love and jersey would never fall for her.

they're walking on the uneven sidewalk on the way to the bus stop and cherry missteps. frank catches her.

stressful student council meetings and bitter aftertastes later, march comes and jen makes her move. fawn unsurprisingly says yes and they make it official. cherry smiles for them even though she doesn’t feel anything anymore at this point. jersey goes to college and she throws herself onto photoshop, social media passwords, and shiny playlists.

running on fumes and coffee, she wipes her nose and her knuckles come back stained with red. fawn doesn’t notice, jen only frowns, and frank’s worried voice is ignored. just like the ultraviolet and fuschia and bubblegum sparkle she sees when she closes her eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> title from the waterparks song 'what we do for fun' 
> 
> first ever posting an original work literally anywhere haha <3 go follow my [tumblr](https://unlikelylively.tumblr.com) if you'd like, i do graphic design too!


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